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Category: The way, the truth and the life

It’s all about trust

Posted in Neurodiversity, and The way, the truth and the life

The question isn’t if science, facts or instinct are right and wrong. The question is if we trust what is presented to us. How you interpret facts, history, science reports, instinct, everything is based on trust. Is it trustworthy? What do you trust the most in – scientific data or your gut instinct? Both can show themselves both right and wrong. Our minds relate and rely on different systems. 

It’s all about trust. 

Everyday I walk roads that have made side tracks. Often I start on one of the sidetracks to see where it leads. It often starts out like a beautiful road, but ends in a field or just ends in the middle of the woods. It looks like it leads somewhere, but in reality it doesn’t. Sometimes I make the assumption that a road that is not so inviting leads nowhere so I don’t even explore it. If I did it might lead me to magnificent places…

A very special day, well remembered as my mom had left to be with my sisters daughter the day her siblings were born. My father and I sat by the phone with a cup of coffee waiting for news. My son was sleeping in my lap and we talked about faith. At first glance it seemed as my father and I were very far apart in our thinking, but in fact we just had different perspectives. Our minds relied on different systems. 

I have always searched for truth in a person – my creator – and I have had a strong desire to know who he is apart from what I have wanted him to be. It’s like I have known that if I get to know who he is I will know all the truth there is to know. He is the evidence of facts I need. Doing so I have tested Buddhism, The way and the power (Tao te Ching) and different faith systems within the Christian churches. With tested I refer to being wholeheartedly involved in. My quest – to find him. When he found me decades of testing continued. The gospel of Jesus Christ can reveal all different kinds of gods depending in what gospel. Paul talked about this in his letter to the community living in Galatia. 

As I was search for the truth through evidence based on a personal relationship with God, my 

father, on the other hand, searched for the truth through evidence based on scientifically proven facts. We both search wholeheartedly for truth but in different ways. 

Talking with friends about trusting people I came to realize that we had different criteria’s for trust. A woman described trust in not passing forward something told in confidence. If a person did that that person was not trustworthy. In Sweden we have laws that are based on this statement. For me this has nothing to do with me trusting someone or not. Trust for me is not someone forgetting not to pass something forward that I have said, trust depends on if a person stands by me in tough times, believes in and for me when I fail. Everyone can be a good person in times of prosperity, the truth about a person is first revealed in times of destress and turmoil. That person is, in my perspective, trustworthy. That person is not confusing.

Obviously our minds need different kinds of evidence to trust someone or something. I have put my trust in God because all evidence I find directs me to him. Throughout the years he has proven to me his trustworthiness. For me that trust is based on who he is and what he has done for us, for me. I have had a hard time trusting him due to so many interpretations that are available to us about who he is. In that state of mind what happens is that I and everything around me seams to dissolve into small pieces resulting in severe anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and panic. When I dare to trust what he reveals about himself in his word everything calmed down and the difficulties I have with autism and ADD, the root to stress and burnout syndrome in my life, becomes more manageable. In his word he clearly states he has everything in control and he has already done all that is necessary for me to live with freedom in both soul and spirit. 

It’s all about trust.

Ashes to ashes

Posted in The way, the truth and the life

On my everyday stroll I pass by a tree. One half is damaged while the other side is flourishing, almost flipping over. It’s like that side grows for both sides simultaneously. 

To carry around the damages side takes a lot of energy. Maybe even as much as the flourishing side eventually has run out of energy. 

One day I will be physically dead. My spirit will leave my body and my body will become dust. Maybe a seed will draw its nutrition from that soil and become a tree. What is wounded will molder away and become a part of that soil bringing new life here on earth and what is eternal, my spirit, will receive a new body that cannot be damaged. 

To erase things that has happened in my life is impossible. What is possible is to forgive and reconcile with the person I am and the experiences I have daring to grab on to the new life I have been given already on this earth. It doesn’t seem that hard, but it is to mentally die away from thoughts that has been planted throughout decades. It is letting go and trusting that from death springs life. 

”And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.”

The power of the cross – the light

Posted in The way, the truth and the life

“Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

In a way walking in the light is more painful than walking in darkness. In darkness we need a torch to see, in sharp light we need sunglasses to avoid getting dazzled. Our eyes are not created to stare into sharp light. Less than a minute of looking into the sun can damage your eyes permanently. In darkness I can choose to concisely and hide myself. Doing that in the light is impossible. Many are frightened by the dark but also tempted by it. Light reveals everything. 

The Bible talks about light and darkness, distinct contrasts. Man chose the knowledge of good and evil instead of listening to God. This lead to mans catastrophic fall. Without God living within me I am totally dependent on my own estimation. Without his help I am living in darkness. I have heard that concepts like black-white, evil-good are not valid concepts when in fact things always can be grayish. For me grayish is like a veil where I do my utmost to claim my own sovereignty even though I know it is impossible. Grayish is my perception of a coexistence between light and darkness. A place where the light is soft and where it is possible to see in darkness. 

My problem is that my brain refuses to remodel situations into something else that what they were originally. It is always possible for me to explain in a very detailed way why I said something. What others have said and done is unknown to me and I need a clear explanation from them to understand that and why things turned out the way they did. I have understood that the majority has a brain that can remodel and reorganize data to be able to make assessments of what happened. My brain cannot. Not being able to do this when everyone else does makes it really difficult for me in almost every situations and relationship I am a part of. 

The light Jesus talks about is so sharp and revealing that I often choose to cover it up and try to whitewash it. Nothing has damaged me more. John describes this in one of his letters “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.”

As long as I chose to coexist I am living in a grey area. I am unable to see the light even if I really, really try. In the light of what Jesus accomplished I can see that all men and everything is forgiven and reconciled. In that light my life is absorbed as Grace. In that light I can do nothing for everything has already been done. In that light I have returned to the shepherd and overseer of my soul. It is very clear to me that I do not want to remain in the grey area.

The power of the cross – the liberation

Posted in The way, the truth and the life

”knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot.”

”He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” 

Lately I have found myself in twisted situations. Messages that are not only words but with a mix of words and a hidden meaning expressed through body language and things “I’m just supposed to understand” often become quite bizarre for me even though everyone else understands. Well known rules are ignored and relationships that should be solid splits in pieces. Truth becomes lies and things I have done and written myself is said to be something I misunderstand. In this chaotic inferno truth is quite obvious. The truth is that I don’t understand anything and that I have never had any control at all. Truth is scary and liberating. 

I thought that decisions and situations I encounter could be understood and dealt with through sharing, collecting knowledge and finding strategies. Now I know I am utterly powerless. What I find interesting is that we all are in the same state – powerless and that we are afraid of loosing that feeling of power, of being in control. The day you and I meet Jesus for the first time, acknowledge that He is the truth and receive him is the day he lifts of the veil. Together with him he lets us start a journey into all he has accomplished for us. I am not a thing he moves in and out from his presence depending on what I do and don’t do. He has bought you and me back to the one we were created to belong to. 

He did that without having a discussion with us about it. It was his decision, his fight, his death and his victory that bought freedom for us so that we have a choice to return or not. The option to receive or reject what he has done for us is actually the only choice we have power over making. All other choices includes factors I don’t know the outcome of even if they are true, sincere and right.

The power of the cross – the peace

Posted in The way, the truth and the life

The apostle John writes in his gospel ““For God so loved the world,[a] that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

One morning in May I sat in my car waiting for the time to come for a lecture I was going to hold. It was early morning. 25 years had past since that day in China when I had asked Jesus to forgive me the first time. Since then I had wholeheartedly tested different ways to become what I thought he wanted me to be. I had failed. Completely. So many people had prayed for me, driven out demons from my life and fought spiritual forces on my behalf, but nothing helped. I had studied different theology’s and really tested there reliability with my own soul as the tool to do so, but nothing seemed to line up logically with the Bible. 

A magazine had published an excellent article written by an American pastor* and he broadcasted radio programs that I could download and listen to. I decided to listen to one of them. A few sentences into the program he said he was person who needed all the details. At that moment I knew I would get an answer to the question that had consumed me for such a long time: was I forgiven forever or not. 

The more the pastor revealed the more my inner being became still. The truth that I already was forgiven and that this forgiveness took place 2000 years ago became a peace that swept into my soul. 

It became so clear to me that what Jesus did was done for every human being throughout all ages. From standing beside my whole life I suddenly became together with. I am a part of Gods family and here is where I belong. That belonging reaches further from all structures and orders of what I can comprehend. It is in Christ. In him there is no distinction between us. 

Paul describes it this way to the church in Galatia ”There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

*Aaron Budjen

Another world

Posted in Neurodiversity, and The way, the truth and the life

Have you noticed that we all encounter the same world, but no one perceives it the same way? Which one has the right to decide what is right? 

Most people have a similar perception that makes it possible to create a norm. The norm becomes what is known as the right thing. The truth is that the norm can be the opposite in relation to truth. Worst case scenario is that what we call the truth actually is a lie. 

Every indigenous people and now existing religion speak about double realities. One seen and one unseen. The unseen usually called the true reality that governs everything and will rule in the end. One way to eliminate this thought is by saying that the unseen is a fantasy. It is only what we actually can see that is true. Who is right? What we actually see can be perceived in many different ways. My husband and I were choosing colors for two of our rooms. We had different perceptions of the color. Who was right? 

In fact, humans live side by side in their own reality and a reality created as a normality by some. For most people this is not problematic. The norm does not differ so much from ones own reality which makes it possible to shift and handle the difference between the two intuitively. For some this is like living in a combat zone. If it becomes to difficult the brain will eventually give up as the difference between ones own experience and the normative is to vast. What happens then? What has happened in my life?

Perception
I have always noticed that I experience what I encounter different from others. Not so much that I didn’t talk as a child, but enough to always live in a confusing world I don’t understand, am familiar with, feel connected to or can handle.

Autism is often explained as being another perspective. How things taste, smell, is viewed, sounds and feels differs. I can’t change that and it creates another form of communicating with everything around me. In the neuropsychiatric assessment I underwent it states that I think in a practical and straight forward way therefore having difficulties with a more intangible way of thinking. In real life this makes the different worlds I live in something I can learn to understand as I create very practical questions in how to relate to and within them. I don’t easily glide between them, I am in them or not and I cannot be in both simultaneously. One world is the one I am a part of and the other is the one I daily confront and don’t understand. The constant change between the two takes energy and is tiresome, but I always know where I am. In the world commonly called realty I am and have always been a stranger. There is a possibility to see my perspective when someone looks into my pictures because there is where I am.

Faith
The morning after I asked Jesus to take over my life I woke up with a totally new worldview. I have no idea how that was possible. Someone had rearranged my brain and everything I encountered I suddenly saw in another way. It was as if I, for the first time saw something complete and logical.

My own experience of being thirty years and suddenly waking up seeing the world in a way I didn’t know existed makes if impossible for me to deny Jesus. Writing that I have to admit it has been a real challenge trying to understand who He is and what He has done for us. By not understanding I have denied Him. I wish I could write that meeting other believers have helped me to understand Him, but the sum of what I have met in congregations and churches is only confusing and weird. During the years a fear of Him grew within me resulting in nights where I just sat and shivered of anxiety. 

People tell me what I can do and how I am, but it’s obvious to me that no one knows me. I know that I am just as limited as they are and that truth is hard to deal with. I want to understand just as much as they claim they do. My experience is that this is what we do to others and towards God. When we do it towards others we limit the possibility to exchange and understand. The worst thing that can happen is that I violate and hurt in the same way I am violated and hurt when others do that to me. God is different. He knows the source. He knows how limited we are and has a different perspective and a different solution. When I gave up my own limited view of Him He didn’t violate and hurt me. He started to show me how He perceives me and our situation. The veil was taken away and for the first time I saw the way. 

When the veil was taken of the door to God and His world opened – the world of grace, forgiveness and reconciliation. 

”while the sun’s light failed. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two.”     
Luke 23:45      

”But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed.”    
2 Corinthians 3:16

The armor of God

Posted in The way, the truth and the life

Paul wrote this to the believers in Christ living in Ephesus
”Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 

Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,”

There is a lot of teaching material concerning the armor of God. Books written in fiction as well as deep theological expositions by well known speakers and teachers. I have tried to test different kinds of teachings in real life to see if I can live as a human being here on earth as well as a soldier. Shall we replace what we can see and understand with powers and principles or do we live in a double reality? If so – how do I relate to that. Only in this letter and in this chapter Paul uses the description of the armor as something very touchable. Shall I consciously put on each invisible piece? Shall I take it of at night? Am I always in the frontline of the battle? What will that do to my life here on earth? Won’t I then always live in combat zone? How will I then look at the visible things around me? You understand- the questions I ask are detailed and practical. For me it’s all about how to relate to Paul’s very visible picture. 

The other day I listened to a woman that described it as putting on one piece at a time. What I saw in front of me was the picture above showing me how the light hit me. I stopped and paused the program. Bible verse upon bible verse came scrolling down in my head. Before anything was possible for his followers to understand Jesus had begun explaining. In chapter 14-17 in the gospel of John we can read about the last talk Jesus had with his disciples. In that passage He talks about the root of the wine and the branches and the impossibility for us to do anything without Him.

What happens if we read the whole letter to the believers in Ephesus and not just the last chapter? What Paul actually declares in the end is what he has spoken about throughout the letter. He emphasizes again and again where we are located – in Christ – and the impact that has for us. In everything Paul writes he comes back to that one thing, but in different ways depending on who he is writing to and also to the environment they can relate to. He focuses only on the people receiving what he is writing so they can understand. If he had lived today he would have used our situations and everyday life to reach us and to help us understand that which is extremely abstract. To the people in Ephesus he uses the picture of the armor to show us our strength and how protected we are in Christ. 

How do I become strong in the Lord?
I am strong in Him. Without Him I have to rely on my own knowledge about good and evil. Does God say anything to us about this? In Isaiah it is written ”For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” But you were unwilling,”

Does the devil and dark forces exist?
Paul prays for the believers that they might understand what God has given to them through their union with Jesus. He prays that their inner eyes will see the riches of the gifts He has given us and   the love He has for us. In that lies the possibility for God to share His wisdom with us when we need it.

I am really limited as a human. I cannot see in the unseen. I am tempted to look behind what I can perceive and try to find explanations there. This has been the reason for my search in eastern religions, but also in mysticism within other religions and in different psychological explanations and theories. The same applies to this as for other situations in life – I can choose how I want to interpret that which I see and hear. One interpretation is that this is a description of how they explained different deceases and syndromes we now know about. Another way is to say all things we don’t understand is the devil and evil forces and we have to fight against that. We can stumble into many pitfalls along the way due to our human limitations. God has given us a warning not to seek within the unseen. The reason is simple – we can’t see there so we can easily fall into deception. 

What belt do I put on that I can call truth?
The truth is Christ. Who He is, what He has done and what He has said. The more I learn to trust Him when He says it is finished the tighter I fasten the belt.

What righteousness do I have?
Jesus is my righteousness. I was far away from God even when I really thought I knew who He was. Science has proven to us that we can alter our minds. Paul knew this 2000 years ago. Paul also could distinguish the different between us doing the alteration ourselves and the result of Gods intervention in our lives. Here is the big challenge for us as we want to seek knowledge for ourselves and do it on our own instead of asking for wisdom from God to do it His way. My pride was the stumbling block hindering me. I can never claim a righteousness based on what I have accomplished when it comes to God. Jesus chose to walk in righteousness before Him and carry the punishment for the unrighteousness of the whole world. Only in His righteousness I walk free.

What shoes do I walk in?
Paul speaks about the gospel of peace. Those are the shoes he wants me to put on. Before I stumbled in the dark, but I can start over and learn to walk in light. The more I get to know God the bolder I will be in telling people about Him when an opportunity occurs. Being safe generates peace. The gospel of peace transforms us and also how we perceive things around us. Safety and peace are not demanding. They are gifts,

Putting a shield of faith in front of me, what does that mean?
I cannot always choose what I encounter, but how I respond is a choice. I can respond with anxiety, defense, positive words, solutions, expectations or some other reaction or together with Christ – secure in Him. Problems, anxiety, depression, darkness will always be there, but He has overcome it.

Is my head protected by the helmet of salvation?
My thoughts are what is most under attack. Day and night in fact. The more I understand what He has done for me the tighter the helmet is fastened. I will absolutely want to remove it. It is uncomfortable, scary to realize that I am forgiven by God. How could He forgive me? Receiving undeserved grace is letting the pride inside me moulder away. When the intensity of the battle almost makes me throw up, that’s when I admit I am powerless and that’s when I turn to the cross. If I always keep the helmet on it will stop hurting.

How do I use Gods word so that it becomes a sword?
Lies can only be defeated by truth. For example – people can condemn me whether there is a reason for it or not. God has redeemed me. I can choose to listen to people or turn to God and receive grace. It is my responsibility to admit if I have done something I know is wrong, but I don’t have the power to redeem me – there is nothing I can claim in my name. That is the difference between my words and Gods word.

How do I pray in the spirit always?
The more I get to know God the more I will turn to Him. If I really know in whom I believe and whom I belong to I will talk to Him about everything. When there is to much happening around me I loose myself and my life becomes confusing and I hide. For me prayer is equal to breathing. When I hide I tend to try to hide from God as well. That’s a dark place to be even if He says He is with me there as well. In that place I forget to breathe.

Instead of referring to an armor Paul could have written “Stand still! Learn to listen to what Jesus already has given to you. Trust that He has won the battle. You are His. Nothing can move you as He has bought you with His blood. Think about what He has done. Be still. Trust God. He’s got you. Talk to Him about everything and everybody and don’t forget to always give thanks.”

When the cold wind sweeps in

Posted in The way, the truth and the life

I was out walking together with my dog and it was a really hot day. My dress code was shorts and armless top. When I came half way rain and thunder came. A cold wind drew in. I had not expected that. 

When a cold wind sweeps in we want to cover ourselves. In the Bible we can perceive two ways of responding to this wind. One is dealing with it with the means “under the sun” gives us and one way is to deal with it in Christ. Jesus tells us that this world has two masters and we have to choose one or the other – both is not an option “You cannot serve both God and money.” When Paul is in prison he writes to the the church in Phillipi ”I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Paul clearly said we have died and risen with Christ and that we are now with Him. Another way Paul describes it is that we live in this world but we are not of it. This is also described as flesh and spirit and the war between the two. 

There are so many different ways this is explained throughout Scripture. Really powerful, strong but abstract statements. We cannot understand how this is done in our lives and it’s easy to try to find a way to theoretically grasp this. It’s there in writing, but still it seems out of our reach. Ask me – I have tried! 

Until God chooses to reveal it to us. Then the veil is lifted and we see and understand. This is the amazing thing with God – He can touch the scholar and He can just as easily touch the illiterate. I have notices that my theoretical knowledge often hinders me and blocks my ability to accept the wisdom from God. Stunningly beautiful, really. But God tells us that “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.” My foolishness is has been not listening to the Lord. I have listened to knowledge given from man by man even if it has sounded goodly. We are in a desperate state without Jesus. Together within Him we can to see. 

So here I was – walking in the rain as God started to show me about something I had studied, listened to sermons about, pondered for years and years. There is a word Scriptures that says “My word shall not return to me without doing what I sent it out to do”. When I read the word of God, not others thoughts and interpretations of it, God shows that His word is in union with Him and He reveals it in His time. Not when I want Him to. It is at that very moment it becomes the living Word. I am in a hurry. God is not.

Conflicts

Posted in The way, the truth and the life

When I ask Jesus I get answers, but seldom the answer I accept. The weird thing that those answers were never accepted by me before. They were all too abstract and inexplicit for me to perceive as something I should pay attention to. Today I listen. Meeting Him is always meeting light itself even if the darkest darkness I revealed. Only He can create something new and see jewels in bedded deep within us.

What I encounter is totally new to me. I can’t fully describe it, but I will try so that you dare to hear Him the way He chooses to appear to you. Be teams down walls within me och calms storms. He builds and I assist with timber. He removes the damages, the dark and repairs with His pierced hands and it becomes new. He works, I admire. I don’t hear Him talking to me, but it is like I get a multitude dimension not seen and heard but seen and heard encounter with Truth. He opens up the Bible to me and explains the abstract so I can see and understand. 

”Every interaction with people challenge because you experience something together but at the same time you don’t. You hear the words but at the same time you hear it differently. You feel, but you don’t have the same feeling. You are both involved, but you are differently affected of what takes place. What you lack is for you a gift not to have, but it is not an easy gift to have been given. With it a lot of darkness has pushed its way into you soul. I want to teach you how to live with what you have been given, but for that you will need a lot of courage. I have lifted out the darkness, but not what I originally gave you. Live with it. Do not be afraid. I am with you. 

In every conflict I am present. Sometimes and together you will be victorious. Sometimes you will loose big. Only I will know the reason for that. You will seldom get an answer from me, but I will lead you all forward. Sometimes I can heal what has been broken and you ca all see it, other times I will have to let you go different ways forward. There are times you cannot hear one another, you carry to many other burdens to be able to see anyone but yourselves. Always forgive your adversary and always forgive yourself. In forgiveness is redemption. Dare to trust me even when I close a door. I know all reasons, all thoughts, all motives and I am the Lord your healer. I wish you had the courage to leave everything you do not understand to me. Always listen to your adversary and try to revive what is said to you even if it hurts. I am always listening to you and hear everything together with you. Is your opponent quite, let silence reign. I am in the silence. 

You would never question my loyalty to you if you understood what I had accomplished for you. It’s possible you might never come to know if the real conflict actually was more yours than theirs to solve. Your counterpart might not ever know either. Remember that you are closest to me when you do not know and when confusion hits you. You cannot see into someone else. Only I can. Confusion is a sight of truth. 

Of you could grasp the whole truth about what I have done for all of you, you would never question my loyalty to you. But you might not ever know if the conflict was most your own than  theirs to solve and they might not know it either. Remember – when you are not sure, when confusion hits you you are the closest to me. You cannot see into someone else. Only I can. Confusion is a sign of truth. 

You will encounter confusion more than others, my hope is in you will letting me turn it around to everything I meant it to be. You say you are to old. I say you have gone from death to life.”

“Why have you created me?”

Posted in The way, the truth and the life

To prove that God exists and that what is written about Jesus actually is the essence of truth is something inpossible to prove. God says you have to choose the path of faith to know. Even if everything we see around us is witnessing about the truth, I can easily rationalize it away. Every person who tells me about their encounter with God I can choose to ignore. There are so many reasons for not believing in our world based on, what we call, scientific proof. 

Still, anyone not believing cannot prove another responsible explanation that their theory is more reliable. So – as a believer I can claim I know, but never being able to make someone else believe. God has made the choice to be the only one having that benifit. I am called to tell about what I believe, but never to force anyone else. 

I’ve always wondered why God made me. I know – we are to reproduce. That’s a very legit reason. Then my next questions comes – do I really need to have the ability to complicate life so much just for reproduction? Animals don’t do that. They just live. Maybe that was one of the reasons I was so drawn to eastern religions. The thought about living in the moment attracts. Mindfulness attracts. There is a cause for the explosion of eastern thoughts making its way into the western culture. When I realized Jesus Christ was the truth, life actually became more difficult. The one thing I could not do was to ignore that truth when I ones had accepted it. I had ignored things before, but this I could not turn my back on. 

Why did God create me? I have never understood my place here and the older I have become the more I find it meaningless. Did God create me to provide something? In that case what? I have heard people say they like or even love me, but I have come to understand that it’s often not me they like it’s something I provide for them. When I cannot provide it I am of no real interest. I have often mixed up their liking and loving for acceptance and time after time been proven wrong. This is one of the reasons for my fierce suicidal thoughts. The other day I confronted these thoughts. It was actually the first time I really sought the answer in the Word of God. There are many hidden thoughts about the purpose for our life but only two people that I find addressed these question. Solomon and Paul. I believe they lived with them as closely as I have done all my life. I found it very interesting that neither one of them had a good answer. 

Solomon made a thorough investigation and his final words in Ecclesiastes was ”The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” He also gave his reason for why he came up with this conclusion “For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.” Solomon perspective was things under the sun. Things that are visible and obvious to us here on earth. He didn’t really include God in his search other than the knowledge of a coming judgement. What Solomon described has been my endeavor which I have failed repeatedly. 

Paul had a very different thought ”My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again.” He didn’t want to remain on this earth. He knew where he belonged and wanted to be with Christ. There is a love that Paul expresses that shows how close he is with Christ, that he and Christ Jesus are united in a very profound way. He doesn’t speak of judgement and fear but of longing. 

I found it very comforting to know that Paul felt as I do now. I will never know why God put me here. The day I will meet Him, that will not be a question I will remember and ask. These last months has shown me that I don’t need answers to everything because He knows. The question “Why have you created me?” will go unanswered into eternity and I am at peace with knowing that. There is a state of mind and heart He has given that is all the answer I need. Maybe Paul received the same answer as I did from Him ”Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”