“Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
In a way walking in the light is more painful than walking in darkness. In darkness we need a torch to see, in sharp light we need sunglasses to avoid getting dazzled. Our eyes are not created to stare into sharp light. Less than a minute of looking into the sun can damage your eyes permanently. In darkness I can choose to concisely and hide myself. Doing that in the light is impossible. Many are frightened by the dark but also tempted by it. Light reveals everything.
The Bible talks about light and darkness, distinct contrasts. Man chose the knowledge of good and evil instead of listening to God. This lead to mans catastrophic fall. Without God living within me I am totally dependent on my own estimation. Without his help I am living in darkness. I have heard that concepts like black-white, evil-good are not valid concepts when in fact things always can be grayish. For me grayish is like a veil where I do my utmost to claim my own sovereignty even though I know it is impossible. Grayish is my perception of a coexistence between light and darkness. A place where the light is soft and where it is possible to see in darkness.
My problem is that my brain refuses to remodel situations into something else that what they were originally. It is always possible for me to explain in a very detailed way why I said something. What others have said and done is unknown to me and I need a clear explanation from them to understand that and why things turned out the way they did. I have understood that the majority has a brain that can remodel and reorganize data to be able to make assessments of what happened. My brain cannot. Not being able to do this when everyone else does makes it really difficult for me in almost every situations and relationship I am a part of.
The light Jesus talks about is so sharp and revealing that I often choose to cover it up and try to whitewash it. Nothing has damaged me more. John describes this in one of his letters “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.”
As long as I chose to coexist I am living in a grey area. I am unable to see the light even if I really, really try. In the light of what Jesus accomplished I can see that all men and everything is forgiven and reconciled. In that light my life is absorbed as Grace. In that light I can do nothing for everything has already been done. In that light I have returned to the shepherd and overseer of my soul. It is very clear to me that I do not want to remain in the grey area.