To live in reality is so extremely unpleasant for me so I try my best to avoid it.
Growing up I realized that the reality I was facing was not for me to understand. From my perspective reality more looked like something observed through broken, shattered mirrors in constant transfiguration without any explanation to why. I perceived my surroundings obscure and impossible to figure out. My only hope was that there was someone who knew what was going on because I surly did not nor the people around me did. This someone I just had to find.
Even if we search for the meaning of life, life has to be lived. Just as everyone else I have tried to do that as well as I understood how to. It has not turned out so well. My method has been to try to please people around me by giving the appearance of being happy. What ever I have tried to communicate to people around me I have been misunderstood most of the time – I have looked to happy. Between you and me – I have learned to play my role well.
The first time I remember I was present in real life a longer period was this spring. At that point 56 years had past of being more or less detached from reality. To be and still not be does not mean you do not exist. For me it has been like existing on one side of a massive glass wall as the rest of the world is on the other side. It has not been helpful to me finding out the reason why through being diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome (autism) and ADD or understanding that I dissociate, have PTSD, depression, anxiety and burn out syndrome. To be able to crush the glass wall I had to be sure that there was someone beside me at all times. Without that knowledge I knew I didn’t have the chance to live in realty.
Today I know in whom I believe and I know that there is a big difference between having theoretical knowledge of the truth and living within it. I am starting to understand why I haven’t been able to grow up and mature and why I cannot make decisions or set up good boundaries between me and others. Today I am beginning to understand autism, recovery and the reality of life and truth. This is my journey to freedom.