To prove that God exists and that what is written about Jesus actually is the essence of truth is something inpossible to prove. God says you have to choose the path of faith to know. Even if everything we see around us is witnessing about the truth, I can easily rationalize it away. Every person who tells me about their encounter with God I can choose to ignore. There are so many reasons for not believing in our world based on, what we call, scientific proof.
Still, anyone not believing cannot prove another responsible explanation that their theory is more reliable. So – as a believer I can claim I know, but never being able to make someone else believe. God has made the choice to be the only one having that benifit. I am called to tell about what I believe, but never to force anyone else.
I’ve always wondered why God made me. I know – we are to reproduce. That’s a very legit reason. Then my next questions comes – do I really need to have the ability to complicate life so much just for reproduction? Animals don’t do that. They just live. Maybe that was one of the reasons I was so drawn to eastern religions. The thought about living in the moment attracts. Mindfulness attracts. There is a cause for the explosion of eastern thoughts making its way into the western culture. When I realized Jesus Christ was the truth, life actually became more difficult. The one thing I could not do was to ignore that truth when I ones had accepted it. I had ignored things before, but this I could not turn my back on.
Why did God create me? I have never understood my place here and the older I have become the more I find it meaningless. Did God create me to provide something? In that case what? I have heard people say they like or even love me, but I have come to understand that it’s often not me they like it’s something I provide for them. When I cannot provide it I am of no real interest. I have often mixed up their liking and loving for acceptance and time after time been proven wrong. This is one of the reasons for my fierce suicidal thoughts. The other day I confronted these thoughts. It was actually the first time I really sought the answer in the Word of God. There are many hidden thoughts about the purpose for our life but only two people that I find addressed these question. Solomon and Paul. I believe they lived with them as closely as I have done all my life. I found it very interesting that neither one of them had a good answer.
Solomon made a thorough investigation and his final words in Ecclesiastes was ”The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” He also gave his reason for why he came up with this conclusion “For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.” Solomon perspective was things under the sun. Things that are visible and obvious to us here on earth. He didn’t really include God in his search other than the knowledge of a coming judgement. What Solomon described has been my endeavor which I have failed repeatedly.
Paul had a very different thought ”My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again.” He didn’t want to remain on this earth. He knew where he belonged and wanted to be with Christ. There is a love that Paul expresses that shows how close he is with Christ, that he and Christ Jesus are united in a very profound way. He doesn’t speak of judgement and fear but of longing.
I found it very comforting to know that Paul felt as I do now. I will never know why God put me here. The day I will meet Him, that will not be a question I will remember and ask. These last months has shown me that I don’t need answers to everything because He knows. The question “Why have you created me?” will go unanswered into eternity and I am at peace with knowing that. There is a state of mind and heart He has given that is all the answer I need. Maybe Paul received the same answer as I did from Him ”Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”